1000+ Funny Jokes 2025 latest

Looking for the best funny jokes to brighten your day? Discover our 1000+ Funny Jokes 2025 collection, featuring the latest, most hilarious jokes that will leave you laughing out loud. Whether you love short jokes, one-liners, or silly puns, we’ve got you covered with fresh, shareable content. Perfect for WhatsApp, Instagram captions, and making your friends smile!

Funny Joke images 2025 latest || lws jokes

Looking for the funniest joke images of 2025? Get ready to laugh out loud with our latest collection of hilarious memes, funny pictures, and viral joke images. Whether you love witty one-liners, relatable humor, or goofy cartoons, we have something for everyone!

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Relationship humor – The everyday battles of couples, perfectly captured in hilarious memes.
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get arrested

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

dirty jokes

A robber comes

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

blonde jokes

telling Dad

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

dad jokes

how many times

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day. Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy? Man: No, I’m a barber.

stupid jokes

Screw the mailman

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?" She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman." He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

dirty jokes

lost my mood

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

pun jokes

crazy wife says

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

pun jokes

hanging onto a rope

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

english jokes

25th wedding anniversary joke

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

english jokes

women need

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you

dirty jokes

going on ahead

What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead

dad jokes

poor Santa Claus

What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less

dad jokes

A husband suspected

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

dirty jokes

Santa is in Delhi

Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him another thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'

santa banta jokes in english

I love cheese

Why do I love cheese? For starters, it's pretty grate.

pun jokes

saggy

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts.

dirty jokes

shouldn't you argue

Why shouldn't you argue with a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked.

pun jokes

brunette are watching

A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show. The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

blonde jokes

favorite sport

What is the favorite sport of Mexicans? Cross Country

short jokes

real hair color

a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. "I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!" "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

blonde jokes

during the act

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

dirty jokes

fucking racist

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.

short jokes

the economy class

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

blonde jokes

hundred dollar bill

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

english jokes

janitor say

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!

dad jokes

walks into a pub

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

dirty jokes

Wife wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

english jokes

master of fast

“I am a master of fast calculations.” - “OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?” - “22!” - “Ha ha, that’s wrong!” - “Might be, but it was fast!”

stupid jokes

seafood diet

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it

dad jokes

blond and a brunette

There's a blond and a brunette in a car. The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat. They're going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don't work. The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don't work and they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop. The blonde then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

blonde jokes

2 plus 2 pappu joke

Teacher: What is 2 plus 2 Pappu: 4 Teacher: That’s good. Pappu: Good ? That’s perfect !

english jokes

kind of shady

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady

dad jokes

Sleep with an open window

Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

english jokes

invented dancing

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” - Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.” 😋😋😋😋

english jokes

iPad in a blender

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

blonde jokes

This young fellow

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

dirty jokes

porn magazine

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

dirty jokes

vacuum cleaner

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

dad jokes

Why are taking two tickets

Bus conductor: Why are taking two tickets? Passenger: Because if i lose one that second ticket will save me. Conductor: what if you lose both? Passenger: Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

english jokes

Two buddies were sharing

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

dirty jokes

shower is fun

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera

dad jokes

Geology rocks

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!

pun jokes

you trust stairs

Why shouldn't you trust stairs? They're always up to something.

pun jokes

banana split

Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school

dad jokes

a black girl

Q: How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? A: When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked.

short jokes

sign of inflation

What is the sign of inflation? A Volkswagen with 12 Latinos in it.

short jokes

little boy caught

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch

dirty jokes

sell curtains

Santa enters a shop that sell curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.' The salesman assures him that they had a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he requires.

english jokes

just finishing my make-up

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery. 😂😂😋😋

english jokes

laugh on Saturday

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

blonde jokes

Nobody ever listens

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

english jokes

go to the bathroom

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!

english jokes

During a discussion

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

dirty jokes

pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk

dad jokes

a soda machine

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

blonde jokes

boy walks

A boy walks in on his mom and dad having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?" The dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" The boy says, "Well, do her doggy style I want a puppy."

dirty jokes

two black men in a red

Q: What do you call two black men in a red sleeping bag? A: A Kit Kat.

short jokes

A professor

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

dirty jokes

chocolate record

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet

dad jokes

married for 30 years

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

dirty jokes

blonde woman driving

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf.

blonde jokes

What did the grape

What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

pun jokes

call me a taxi

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

english jokes

a brunette

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

blonde jokes

rushing into the hospital

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

dirty jokes

smiling Roman

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

dirty jokes

blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

blonde jokes

A blonde gets lost

A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she's at. The blonde replies, "I'm on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk."

blonde jokes

Two bored casino dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

blonde jokes

Florida or the Sun

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

english jokes

Polish Navy

Why does the Polish Navy have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy.

short jokes

piano by ear

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands

dad jokes

win the race

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

pun jokes

funny and beautiful

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”

english jokes

my stuff

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

dad jokes

My wife suffers

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” - “Oh is she an alcoholic?” - “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

english jokes

go to the dentist

What time do Chinese people go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)

short jokes

blonde like lightening

Why did the blonde like lightening? She thought someone was taking a picture of her.

blonde jokes

job I can really

Making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

pun jokes

invented King Arthur's

Who invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.

pun jokes

a farmer near a field

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

english jokes

pick their nose

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine

dad jokes

put it in slowly

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

dirty jokes

The blonde’s eyes widen

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”

blonde jokes

I’m just so nervous

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. - Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

english jokes

tried to take a photo

I tried to take a photo of a wheat field. It turned out grainy.

pun jokes

Chinese people

Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies? A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

short jokes

best smelling insect

What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant

dad jokes

Three blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

blonde jokes

The Middle Ages

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

pun jokes

Santa and Banta are walking

Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down. Santa - What should we do now? Banta- We'll take 50:50. Santa- What about the remaining 900? 😋😋😋😁

english jokes

How was school today

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"

english jokes

There was a blonde

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

blonde jokes

don't pirates know

Why don't pirates know the alphabet? Because they keep getting lost at C.

pun jokes

guy and his date

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

dirty jokes

woman shot her husband

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

english jokes

takes his girlfriend

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

dirty jokes

crime at an Apple Store

If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness

dad jokes

girl realized

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

dirty jokes

Glasgow

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips

dirty jokes

bring May flowers

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims

dad jokes

calling you

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

dirty jokes

skeleton walks

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop

dad jokes

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

dirty jokes

The Perfect Son joke

The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

english jokes

restaurant on the moon

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

pun jokes

redhead all work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

blonde jokes

William Sexfear

According To William Sexfear Every Wife Is A Mistress For Her Husband. Miss For One Hour And . . . . Stress For The Remaining 23 Hours.

english jokes

a black man joke

There is a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man on a plane that is too heavy to fly and they are about to crash. They each have to throw something off the plane to save them from crashing. The black man throws out his Jordan shoes and says, "We have too many in our country.” The Mexican tosses out his lawn mower and says, "We have too many in our country.” The white man puts his item down, grabs the Mexican, throws him out the window and says, "We have too many in our country.

short jokes

Malaysian plane

Q: Why was the Malaysian plane lost? A: Because an Asian was driving it!

short jokes

got carded

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

dad jokes

blondes fell down

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

english jokes

shrinking my clothes

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along

dad jokes

worth of used

What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

dirty jokes

Santa falls in Love

Doctor Santa falls in Love with a Nurse. He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister…

english jokes

concert only costs

What kind of concert only costs 45 cents? A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.

pun jokes

blonde dyes

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

blonde jokes

a terminal illness

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

english jokes

favorite memories

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

dad jokes

blonde really got tired

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

blonde jokes

screw in a light bulb

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb. 10, one to screw in the light bulb and nine to hold the ladder.

short jokes

broom get a poor

David: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Dan: I don’t know. Why? David: Because it was always sweeping during class!

english jokes

hardened

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

dirty jokes

holy water

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

dad jokes

Fruit flies like a banana

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

pun jokes

apocalypse means

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

pun jokes

a Chinese girl joke

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

short jokes

Chinese couple

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named it Sum Ting Wong

short jokes

Wife funny

Wife: Can u help me in the gardening ? . Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener ? . Wife: Can u fix the door handle ? . Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ? . . In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed. . Husband: Who did all this ? . Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.....Either I should give him a burger or a kiss. . Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger. . Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds ? 😅

husband wife jokes in english

blonde runs

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

english jokes

personal trainer

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice

dad jokes

Maria went home

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

dirty jokes

Two cowboys

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

dirty jokes

The women need

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

blonde jokes

really mad

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

dad jokes

may I interview you

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

dirty jokes

The younger brother

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

dirty jokes

walked into a couch

A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon.

pun jokes

a taser once

I had a taser once. It was stunning.

pun jokes

his buddy

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

dirty jokes

wrote a song

I wrote a song about burritos. It's a rap.

pun jokes

bathroom shaving

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

dirty jokes

a redhead

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

english jokes

closet in the nude

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

dirty jokes

Cool accent

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

english jokes

Why should you stay

Why should you stay away from artists? They're sketchy.

pun jokes

Kleenex dance

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

dad jokes

Waking up this

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

pun jokes

redhead are running

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

blonde jokes

first day at school

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

english jokes

sister-in-law barge

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

dirty jokes

black men get killed

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

short jokes

parents were divorced

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

dirty jokes

He keeps holding her hand

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

english jokes

time-traveling joke

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it

dad jokes

money issues

A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."

dirty jokes

The United States

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?" Blonde: "My whole body."

english jokes

Iranian who locked

Did you hear about the Iranian who locked himself out of his car? It took three hours to get his family out of it.

short jokes

she was pregnant

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.

blonde jokes

put my shoes

Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me

dad jokes

corduroy pillows

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines

dad jokes

subtract the clothes

Q: Why is sex like math? A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

dirty jokes

banana factory

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones

dad jokes

trust stairs

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something

dad jokes

drug dealer

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

dad jokes

black people and tornadoes

How are black people and tornadoes the same? It only takes one to ruin a good neighborhood.

short jokes

joins a soccer

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

dirty jokes

brunette delivers

blonde jokes

A guy and his wife

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

dirty jokes

I’m trying

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “I don’t understand, doc. Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

dirty jokes

Two police officers

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.” 😋😋😋😋

english jokes

macho man married

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

dirty jokes

whats your number

Boy: Girl, whats your number? Girl: I have a boyfriend Boy: I have a math test Girl: What? Boy: Aren't we talking about things we cheat on?

english jokes

famous person

You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards

dirty jokes

Teacher funny

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5🤑

teacher student jokes in english

blonde jokes so short

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

blonde jokes

archaeologist

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

dirty jokes

What do politicians and diapers

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? - A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

english jokes

bicycle stand up

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired

dad jokes

A man and a woman

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

dirty jokes

fresh prints

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints

dad jokes

I refuse to eat this roastbeef

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

english jokes

garbage truck

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

dirty jokes

2 Swimming Pools

Banta built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y? When asked him, he said, “Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.”

english jokes

lying on the beach

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

dirty jokes

A teenage boy

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

dirty jokes

baker couldn't make

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

pun jokes

A blonde woman decides

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

blonde jokes

An old lady

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

dirty jokes

May I take your order

May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die.

blonde jokes

about the guy

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize

dad jokes

thief hire

Why did the thief hire a maid to plan his vacation? He wanted a clean getaway.

pun jokes

blonde tip

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

blonde jokes

construction

I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it

dad jokes

Filipino contortionist

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A: A Manila folder.

short jokes

I don't trust trees

I don't trust trees. They're shady.

pun jokes

unfaithful espresso

Did you hear about the unfaithful espresso? It was grounds for divorce.

pun jokes

eight year old

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

dirty jokes

blondes girls were walking

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks. The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks." The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks" and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.

blonde jokes

Making mirrors

Making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

pun jokes

who invented zero

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

pun jokes

Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve are wondering wether they are black or white. Eve says why dont you go and ask god. So Adam goes into the garden of eden and shouts out to god are we black or white? A big booming voice bellows out YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. How do you know asks Eve. Because he said you are what you are Adam replied. Why does that mean we are white? asked Eve. Because if we were black he would have said You is what you is.

short jokes

iPad in a blender

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

english jokes

Student homework

Teacher- Did you do your homework? Student - Did you grade my test? Teacher - I have other students' tests to grade. Student - I have other teachers' homework to do.😎 # be LIKEA BOSS

english jokes

appreciate your fruit

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

pun jokes

capital is growing

What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin

dad jokes

A blind guy

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

blonde jokes

ocean say

What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved

dad jokes

walks into a shoe

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

blonde jokes

aquatic mammals

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

pun jokes

call someone

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows

dad jokes

25 letters

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y

dad jokes

facial hair

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me

dad jokes

Ford didn't invent

I'm happy Ford didn't invent the airplane. It wouldn't have been Wright.

pun jokes

A blonde goes into

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

blonde jokes

naked woman

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

dirty jokes

blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

english jokes

hard of hearing

Santa, hard of hearing, realises that he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he feels unwilling to spend too much money. 'How much do they cost?' he asks Manbir, the shopkeeper. 'That depends,' says. Manbir, 'They run from £20 to £2,000.' 'Let's see the £20 model,' asks Santa. Manbir puts the device around Santa's neck instructing, 'You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.' 'How does it work?' Santa inquires. 'For only £20 it doesn't work," Manbir replies, 'But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!'

santa banta jokes in english

scratch-and-sniff

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.

blonde jokes

the bread say

What did the bread say to the baker? "You knead me."

pun jokes

the last guy

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

dirty jokes

white people running down

Q: What do you call white people running down a hill? A: An avalanche. Q: What do you call Mexicans running down a hill? A: A mudslide. Q: What do you call black people running down a hill? A: A jail break.

short jokes

A penguin takes

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

dirty jokes

Before Marriage

Before Marriage - - - Boyfriend: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. Girlfriend: Do you want me to leave? Boyfriend: NO! Don't even think about it. Girlfriend: Do you love me? Boyfriend: Of course! Over and over! Girlfriend: Have you ever cheated on me? Boyfriend: NO! Why are you even asking? Girlfriend: Will you kiss me? Boyfriend: Every chance I get! Girlfriend: Will you hit me? Boyfriend: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! Girlfriend: Can I trust you? Boyfriend: Yes. Girlfriend: Darling! After marriage - simply read from bottom to top.

english jokes

pig answered

A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, "Where did you get her?" The pig answered, "I won her at the fair."

blonde jokes

dog used to chase people

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

english jokes

Olympic medals

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

short jokes

planning to get

My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

stupid jokes

What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you

dad jokes

A police officer

blonde jokes

the newscaster

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

blonde jokes

guy decides

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

dirty jokes

finished a jigsaw

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

blonde jokes

Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!

dad jokes

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

blonde jokes

Mexican Astronauts

You know why we don't have Mexican Astronauts? It's because the countdown goes like this, "10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Launch! Lonch!?!? Vamos a comer..."

short jokes

the newscaster

english jokes

panties with flowers

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

dirty jokes

scarecrow win

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field

dad jokes

blonde runs

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

blonde jokes

kinky and perverted

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

dirty jokes

magic mirror

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, "I look fat," and dies. The brunette says, " I look skinny," and dies. The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.

blonde jokes

kangaroo jump higher

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? - Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

english jokes

blonde are walking

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

blonde jokes

blonde watching a TV

blonde jokes

letter from this lawyer

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 😜😜😜😜

english jokes

husband after a day

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

dirty jokes

blonde jokes

most effective way

One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks

dirty jokes

romantic text message

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise

dirty jokes

dad jokes

a restaurant

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

dirty jokes

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

stupid jokes

compromise with your wife

Man: How did you compromise with your wife? Husband: She came to me on her feet. Man: and what she said? Husband: i was down to bad and she said come out, i will not say you anything...

english jokes

sprinter eat

What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!

dad jokes

interview joke funny

blonde jokes

the bike stand up

Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was two-tired.

pun jokes

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