1000+ Funny Jokes 2025 latest

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The women need

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

blonde jokes

A blonde is overweight

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

blonde jokes

get a haircut

Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!

dad jokes

There are three blondes

There are three blondes who are on a road trip. As they are driving through the desert, their car breaks down. They have no phone to call anyone, so they decide to walk to the nearest city, several miles away. They each decide to take one thing to make the journey better. The first blonde takes the radio and says, "If we get bored, we can put the radio on and listen to music." The second blonde decides to take a wheel, "In case one of us gets really tired, we can go inside the wheel and be rolled." The third blonde takes the car door, "In case it gets too hot, we can roll down the window!"

blonde jokes

Homework joke

Teacher: Can I see your homework Me: Haha no way loser do your own 😁😁😁😁

teacher student jokes in english

rabbits making love

Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.

dirty jokes

mirror that killed anyone

Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied... French : I think I dont smoke (died). American : I think I love my wife (died). Santa: I think.. (died) 😋😋😋😁

english jokes

A husband suspected

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."

dirty jokes

Florida or the Sun

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

english jokes

favorite sport

What is the favorite sport of Mexicans? Cross Country

short jokes

difference between your penis

What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.

dirty jokes

A dictator!

What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!

dirty jokes

cups avoid the city

Why do coffee cups avoid the city? They're afraid to get mugged.

pun jokes

corduroy pillows

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They're making headlines

dad jokes

Harry prays to God

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.

english jokes

Adele cross the road

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

pun jokes

black Jewish boy

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

short jokes

old aunts

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” - We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals. 😁😁😁

english jokes

expensive car

My friend drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how his Mercedes bends

pun jokes

You know how it is in life

You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”

english jokes

chocolate record

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet

dad jokes

such a passionate kisser

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser… What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

english jokes

cookie go to the doctor

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.

english jokes

After picking her son

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

dirty jokes

Santa returns

Santa returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father, 'Dad, today we had a spelling class. All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent.' Santa seemed content with the answer, asks his father another question, 'Dad, today we had Maths class. All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent,' replies his father. Happy with the answer, Santa poses another question to his father, 'Dad, today we had medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar ?' The father replies, 'No son, that's because you are 33 years old.'

santa banta jokes in english

during sex

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

dirty jokes

A zebra

What’s black, red, black, red, black, red? - A zebra with a sun burn.

stupid jokes

blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

english jokes

A brunette

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

blonde jokes

sex with a Chinese woman

I had sex with a Chinese woman last night. It was great, but an hour later I was STILL horny!

short jokes

playing Bridge

Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand

dirty jokes

a computer store

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”

blonde jokes

During a discussion

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

dirty jokes

blonde put her

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

blonde jokes

A blonde is watching

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

blonde jokes

invented King Arthur's

Who invented King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.

pun jokes

call someone

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows

dad jokes

woman places

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

dirty jokes

banana split

Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school

dad jokes

lying on the beach

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

dirty jokes

real hair color

a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. "I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!" "Hey lady," says the shepherd, "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

blonde jokes

honey look really different

Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair? - Wife: Michael, I’m over here! 😋😋

english jokes

Santa goes into a bar

Santa goes into a bar in New York. The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.' The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.' Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'

english jokes

physics teacher break up

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

english jokes

husband came home an hour late

Q: What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? A: She gave him the cold shoulder. 😋😋

english jokes

telling Dad

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

dad jokes

aquatic mammals

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos!

pun jokes

tiny village

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

dirty jokes

didn't know what

I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say so I used big words.

pun jokes

scarecrow win

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field

dad jokes

Can February

Can February March? No, but April May.

pun jokes

redhead are running

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

english jokes

a Chinese girl joke

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

short jokes

egg drive

What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen

dad jokes

pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk

dad jokes

Eiffel Tower

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites

dad jokes

call an Indian

What do you call an Indian man which is on fire? Ima Singin.

short jokes

a terminal illness

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

english jokes

goes to a church

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?" Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?" Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

dirty jokes

call a Caucasian

Q: What do you call a Caucasian person who swims across the border into Mexico? A: A white back.

short jokes

ocean say

What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved

dad jokes

babies come from

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

dirty jokes

two black men in a red

Q: What do you call two black men in a red sleeping bag? A: A Kit Kat.

short jokes

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.

dirty jokes

Florida or the Sun

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

blonde jokes

Your driver’s license please

A police officer stops a car. Officer: “Your driver’s license please.” Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.” Officer: “At home?” Driver: “No, to do it.”

english jokes

oral and a rectal

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!

dirty jokes

difference between your boyfriend

What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.

dirty jokes

My wife suffers

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” - “Oh is she an alcoholic?” - “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

english jokes

Santa is in Delhi

Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him another thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'

santa banta jokes in english

poor Santa Claus

What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less

dad jokes

Wife wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

english jokes

call an elephant

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

dad jokes

famous person

You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards

dirty jokes

best smelling insect

What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant

dad jokes

I’m trying

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “I don’t understand, doc. Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

dirty jokes

call pasta

What do you call pasta with no money? Penne-less.

pun jokes

Kleenex dance

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

dad jokes

blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

blonde jokes

A gynecologist notices

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

dirty jokes

The Little Rascal's

The Little Rascal's class were having a spelling test. The teacher asks if anyone can use the word "admire" in a sentence. Spanky raises his hand and says, "I admire my dog." "Good job," the teacher replies, "Now, who can use 'respect' in a sentence?" Alfalfa raises his hand and says, "I respect Spanky for admiring his dog." "Ok, " replies the teacher, "now who can use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" There is silence in the class, then all of a sudden Buckwheat says, "Darla how did my dictate !?!"

dirty jokes

3 people on the boat

There are 3 people on the boat which is sinking. 1 American guy, 1 Asian guy, and 1 Mexican guy. The Asian guy said "I have to many of these" so he threw the rice out. The Mexican guy said "I have to many of these" so he threw out the tacos out. The American said "I have to many of these" so he threw the Mexican guy out.

short jokes

husband's temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me." The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed." Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!" The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."

english jokes

Maria went home

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

dirty jokes

favorite memories

One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

dad jokes

shouldn't you argue

Why shouldn't you argue with a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked.

pun jokes

blonde drops off her dress

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners The lady says, "Come Again!" The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

blonde jokes

A guy believed

A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honorable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee.

short jokes

iPad in a blender

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

blonde jokes

IDK stand

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

english jokes

A cheeseburger

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here

dad jokes

most common word used

Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom. Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”! Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!

english jokes

Two couples

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."

english jokes

This young fellow

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

dirty jokes

Three brothers

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

dirty jokes

a big plus

What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

dad jokes

radio on my way

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...

dad jokes

put the cat out

Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire

dad jokes

A blonde goes to a soda

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?

blonde jokes

Scientists

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

dirty jokes

I knew a blonde

I knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

blonde jokes

personal trainer

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice

dad jokes

Two bored casino dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

blonde jokes

blonde went into the library

One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian replied, "This is the library." Then blonde whispered, "Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?"

blonde jokes

put my shoes

Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me

dad jokes

parents were divorced

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

dirty jokes

Santa returns

Santa returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father, 'Dad, today we had a spelling class. All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent.' Santa seemed content with the answer, asks his father another question, 'Dad, today we had Maths class. All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ?' 'No son, that's because you are intelligent,' replies his father. Happy with the answer, Santa poses another question to his father, 'Dad, today we had medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar ?' The father replies, 'No son, that's because you are 33 years old.'

english jokes

Put a nipple

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

dirty jokes

redhead are all

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off. They all jump at the same time. Which one landed last? The blonde because she asked for directions.

blonde jokes

A black boy joke

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

short jokes

vacuum cleaner

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

dad jokes

the newscaster

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

blonde jokes

young person with the short hair

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

english jokes

using the bathroom

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent

dad jokes

apocalypse means

So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!

pun jokes

redhead are running

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

blonde jokes

The younger brother

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

dirty jokes

walks into a pub

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

dirty jokes

screw in a light bulb

How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb. 10, one to screw in the light bulb and nine to hold the ladder.

short jokes

going on ahead

What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead

dad jokes

teaching a class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

dirty jokes

meet you at the corner

What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner.

dad jokes

go to the dentist

What time do Chinese people go to the dentist? Tooth hurty (2:30)

short jokes

honeymoon hotel

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

dirty jokes

black men get killed

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam? When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

short jokes

during the act

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

dirty jokes

lost my mood

I lost my mood ring and I don't know how to feel about it!

pun jokes

my stuff

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

dad jokes

A teenage boy

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go. So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finish, he dresses himself and her, puts back into her chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" "Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree."

dirty jokes

one plant say

What did one plant say to the other? "Girl, you really got me growing."

pun jokes

biggest wall

china...austraila..new zealand...south africa is fighting who has the best stuff china says they have the biggest wall austraila says they have the best grass new zealand says they have the best flag south africa says they have the springbuck ..he jumps over the wall ...shits on the grass...and wipes his ass with the flag

short jokes

just finishing my make-up

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. You don’t need make-up, Jane. Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery. 😂😂😋😋

english jokes

holy water

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

dad jokes

Don't call me

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!

dad jokes

two boys playing

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran

dirty jokes

thief hire

Why did the thief hire a maid to plan his vacation? He wanted a clean getaway.

pun jokes

teenager

As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language

dirty jokes

archaeologist

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

dirty jokes

white owl and a black owl

Q:what's the difference between a white owl and a black owl. A:a white owl goes who who. a black owl goes who dat who dat.

short jokes

worth of used

What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

dirty jokes

job I can really

Making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

pun jokes

walked through the forest

Banta walked through the forest when he heard someone crying for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes. "My first wish," Banta said, "is a bottle of whiskey that will never fall empty." And flash, there was the bottle. Banta opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Banta was very happy. "What is your second wish," the dwarf asked? Banta replied, "I want another bottle..."😜 😝 😛

english jokes

Geology rocks

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!

pun jokes

Ford didn't invent

I'm happy Ford didn't invent the airplane. It wouldn't have been Wright.

pun jokes

Santa is in Delhi

Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man. On the next day Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder.' Santa gives him another thousand and says, 'Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder.'

english jokes

The bell rang

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

dirty jokes

don't pirates know

Why don't pirates know the alphabet? Because they keep getting lost at C.

pun jokes

blindfold joke

How do you blindfold a Chinese person? Put floss over their eyes.

short jokes

sleep during nap

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest

dad jokes

guy and his date

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

dirty jokes

a farmer near a field

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

english jokes

capital is growing

What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin

dad jokes

Mexican's favorite sport joke

What is a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross-country.

short jokes

piano by ear

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands

dad jokes

A robber comes

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

blonde jokes

shrinking my clothes

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along

dad jokes

kidnapping at school

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up

dad jokes

So I asked a blonde

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

blonde jokes

blonde try to kill

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

blonde jokes

clearly never

What flutters about and clearly never had a bath in its entire life? - Stinkerbell.

stupid jokes

devout

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

dirty jokes

about the blonde

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

blonde jokes

sexual attraction

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

dirty jokes

hundred dollar bill

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it.

english jokes

whenever i beat you

Father to son: whenever i beat you, you don't get annoyed, how you control your anger? son: i start cleaning the toilet. seat with your toothbrush

english jokes

burst into tears

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

dad jokes

What do politicians and diapers

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? - A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

english jokes

eggs tell jokes

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up

dad jokes

sprinter eat

What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!

dad jokes

put it in slowly

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

dirty jokes

broom get a poor

David: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school? Dan: I don’t know. Why? David: Because it was always sweeping during class!

english jokes

scratch-and-sniff

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.

blonde jokes

contracts

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

dirty jokes

Baby Corn

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn

dad jokes

Me and my wife

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

english jokes

bicycle stand up

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired

dad jokes

sell curtains

Santa enters a shop that sell curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.' The salesman assures him that they had a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he requires.

santa banta jokes in english

blonde throws

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run because she has a grenade in her mouth.

blonde jokes

planning to get

My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”

stupid jokes

Keep the tip

What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.

dirty jokes

got carded

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

dad jokes

Samoan climb

How did the Samoan climb the tree? He didn't. He scared the limbs out of it.

short jokes

appreciate your fruit

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

pun jokes

pickle slicer

A man comes home early from work and tells his wife he just got fired. He tells her, "I got caught with my penis in the pickle slicer." His wife asks him if his penis is okay and he assures her it is fine. "Well," she asks, "What happened to the pickle slicer?" "Oh," he says, "She got fired too."

dirty jokes

Can February March

Can February March? No, but April May

pun jokes

lecture on Sun

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it. Raju:No mam! I will not be able to attend it. Teacher :Why? Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

english jokes

walked into a couch

A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon.

pun jokes

Chinese people

Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies? A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.

short jokes

lady with big

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

dirty jokes

A science teacher

A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

blonde jokes

brown and sticky

What's brown and sticky? A stick

dad jokes

blonde are stranded

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are stranded on the edge of a cliff. An angel appears and instructs them to jump off the cliff and say out loud what they would like to land on safely. The brunette goes first. She jumps and says, "Pillows!" She lands on a pile of pillows at the bottom. The redhead goes next. She jumps and says "Feathers!" She lands on a mass of feathers below. The blonde walks up to the edge, but trips on a rock, yelling, "Shit!" as she falls off.

blonde jokes

a brunette

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

blonde jokes

construction

I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it

dad jokes

moon cut

How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it.

dad jokes

A black guy walks joke

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer. The bartender brings a beer and notices the parrot on his shoulder and says, "Hey that's really neat. Where did you get it?" The parrot responds, "In the jungle, there's millions of them.

short jokes

sign of inflation

What is the sign of inflation? A Volkswagen with 12 Latinos in it.

short jokes

smiling Roman

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.

dirty jokes

sell curtains

Santa enters a shop that sell curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.' The salesman assures him that they had a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he requires.

english jokes

There was a blonde

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

blonde jokes

go into heaven

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

dirty jokes

A wife comes

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

dirty jokes

the bike stand up

Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was two-tired.

pun jokes

A penguin takes

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

dirty jokes

heels over head

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

dad jokes

problem with scientists

What's the problem with scientists? Periodically they're wrong.

pun jokes

Babe What You Doing

Boyfriend: Babe What You Doing? Girlfriend: Nothing. Really Tired. Just Going To Sleep Now Honey. And You Sweetheart? Boyfriend: In The Club Standing Behind You

english jokes

A blonde woman decides

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."

blonde jokes

operator asks

A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she's at. The blonde replies, "I'm on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk."

blonde jokes

Two cowboys

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

dirty jokes

Santa falls in Love

Doctor Santa falls in Love with a Nurse. He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister…

english jokes

who invented zero

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

pun jokes

heart of the lion

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

pun jokes

I get this intense

Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. - Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

english jokes

young rooster

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, & a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its head. The farmer says, "You horny bastard, you deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, & whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"

dirty jokes

independent 75-year-old woman

A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood. Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, hell, I can't throw that far!"

english jokes

takes his girlfriend

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

dirty jokes

drifts over a desert

What is red and drifts over a desert? - A fart with a sunburn.

stupid jokes

blonde jokes so short

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.

blonde jokes

A blonde redhead

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here.

blonde jokes

I would like to use

Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

english jokes

brunette delivers

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

blonde jokes

song about burritos

I wrote a song about burritos. It's a rap

pun jokes

most effective way

One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks

dirty jokes

A construction worker

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

dirty jokes

favorite foods

Three boys were discussing their fathers' favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his father does that. The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to turn off the light so he can eat it."

dirty jokes

How was school today

Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"

english jokes

kinky and perverted

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

dirty jokes

phone number

This blonde calls me and says, "What's your phone number? I cant find it!"

blonde jokes

blonde woman driving

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf.

blonde jokes

A blonde sees a thermos

A blonde sees a thermos in a store. She asks a clerk, "What is that and what's it for?" The clerk answers, "It's a thermos that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde says, "I'll take it." When she gets to work, her blonde boss asks, "What is that?" The blonde worker says, "It's a thermos. It keeps cold things cold and hot things hot." "Whatcha got in it?" "A cup of coffee and a Popsicle."

blonde jokes

rushing into the hospital

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

dirty jokes

A professor

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

dirty jokes

Santa goes into a bar

Santa goes into a bar in New York. The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.' The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.' Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'

santa banta jokes in english

fitted years ago

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since

dad jokes

Girlfriend birthday joke

My girlfriend’s 🤷‍♀️birthday is in two days.And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.So I bought her nothing!😁😁😁✌

english jokes

A blind guy

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

blonde jokes

go to the bathroom

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!

english jokes

A man and a woman

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

dirty jokes

don’t trust stairs

I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.

pun jokes

bigger than your brothers

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

dirty jokes

hotel lobby turns

A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

dirty jokes

After hair cut

After hair cut Barbar : is that fine? Me: yaah.. Awesome... *comes home* *cries in the corner* 😒 😑

teacher student jokes in english

Uncle Jack off

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

dirty jokes

time-traveling joke

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it

dad jokes

wear necklaces

Q: Why do Italian men wear necklaces? A: To let them know where to stop shaving.

short jokes

women need

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you

dirty jokes

He keeps holding her hand

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

english jokes

black man funny jokes

There was a redneckwho hit every black man he saw with his truck. One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought, "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride." So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" he asked. "You missed him," the priest said, "but I got him with the door.

short jokes

the last guy

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

dirty jokes

Angry santa

Angry Santa threw 6 cricket balls on his gf. GF: “What the hell was that?” Santa: “its over”!🤣

santa banta jokes in english

seafood diet

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it

dad jokes

Before Marriage

Before Marriage - - - Boyfriend: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. Girlfriend: Do you want me to leave? Boyfriend: NO! Don't even think about it. Girlfriend: Do you love me? Boyfriend: Of course! Over and over! Girlfriend: Have you ever cheated on me? Boyfriend: NO! Why are you even asking? Girlfriend: Will you kiss me? Boyfriend: Every chance I get! Girlfriend: Will you hit me? Boyfriend: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! Girlfriend: Can I trust you? Boyfriend: Yes. Girlfriend: Darling! After marriage - simply read from bottom to top.

english jokes

I love math

I love math. And then sum.

pun jokes

I refuse to eat this roastbeef

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

english jokes

invented dancing

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” - Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.” 😋😋😋😋

english jokes

Two homeless men

Two homeless men are devising a plan to get free drinks at a bar. The first one has an idea: "We'll buy a hot dog and stick it down your pants, walk into the bar, get our drinks, drink, and when the bartender asks for his money, you pull down your pants and I suck on the hot dog that you put down there. He'll kick us out, and we wont have to pay. It's brilliant!" The second man agrees and they do this in the first bar where it works just as planned. Then they hit up 4 more bars and the first man says, "This is great, getting all these free drinks!" The other man replies, "Yeah, especially because the hot dog fell out at the first bar."

dirty jokes

I love cheese

Why do I love cheese? For starters, it's pretty grate.

pun jokes

ordinary blowjob

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."

dirty jokes

Penis and Balls

One night, Penis and Balls were sitting in a couch. Penis said to Balls, "We are going to a party. Balls said, "F*ck off, you always leave me knocking."

dirty jokes

bread say to the baker

What did the bread say to the baker? "You knead me."

pun jokes

Never trust

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

pun jokes

I made a pun

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

pun jokes

money being spent

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

dirty jokes

blonde dyes

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

blonde jokes

Santa and Banta are walking

Santa and Banta are walking on a road, and they find a 1000 rupee note lying down. Santa - What should we do now? Banta- We'll take 50:50. Santa- What about the remaining 900? 😋😋😋😁

english jokes

A guy was driving

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

blonde jokes

blonde are walking

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

english jokes

Do not be racist joke

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

short jokes

What did the blonde say

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"

blonde jokes

How did the blonde die

How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.

blonde jokes

friend of mine

A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum

dirty jokes

all trapped

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

blonde jokes

Iranian who locked

Did you hear about the Iranian who locked himself out of his car? It took three hours to get his family out of it.

short jokes

takes so long

How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because you have to hollow out the head.

blonde jokes

nothing special

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

dirty jokes

kind of bees

Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? A: Boo-bees

dirty jokes

hard of hearing

Santa, hard of hearing, realises that he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he feels unwilling to spend too much money. 'How much do they cost?' he asks Manbir, the shopkeeper. 'That depends,' says. Manbir, 'They run from £20 to £2,000.' 'Let's see the £20 model,' asks Santa. Manbir puts the device around Santa's neck instructing, 'You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.' 'How does it work?' Santa inquires. 'For only £20 it doesn't work," Manbir replies, 'But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!'

english jokes

cheap gifts

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts. Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

english jokes

prostitute

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

dirty jokes

a soda machine

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

blonde jokes

a redhead

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

blonde jokes

A blonde goes into

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

blonde jokes

bring May flowers

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims

dad jokes

they're sick

Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc

dad jokes

blonde who dyes

How can you tell when a brunette is actually a blonde who dyes her hair? When she trips over the cordless phone.

blonde jokes

fresh prints

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints

dad jokes

dyes her hair brunette

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.

blonde jokes

janitor say

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!

dad jokes

giant once

I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say so I used big words.

pun jokes

save two of every animal

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

pun jokes

dog used to chase people

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away

english jokes

his buddy

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

dirty jokes

A blonde gets lost

A blonde gets lost and calls for directions. The operator asks which cross streets she's at. The blonde replies, "I'm on the corner of Walk and Do Not Walk."

blonde jokes

A blonde was swerving

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?" The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener!"

blonde jokes

grow up

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems

dad jokes

camouflage pants

I wanted to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

pun jokes

sister-in-law barge

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."

dirty jokes

Jews walked

Two Jews walked into a bar. It was busy. So they bought it.

short jokes

ordered a chicken

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know

dad jokes

Mexicans playing

What do u call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan-on-Juan.

short jokes

confuse a blonde

How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

english jokes

On hearing

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

dirty jokes

ski lodge

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

dirty jokes

I’m just so nervous

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. - Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

english jokes

I couldn’t build

My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

pun jokes

cows masturbating

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!

dirty jokes

find a tiny Coke

Where can you go to find a tiny Coke? Mini-soda.

pun jokes

preparing wedding cards

Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers. Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly pointed out that the "RSVP " was missing . The printer was surprised by Jeeto's knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant. Jeeto started to think and after much thought he replied, 'Vait! I remember. I remember - RSVP. It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present."'

santa banta jokes in english

example of Coincidence

Teacher:Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? Sunny:Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time. Teacher: How old is ur father. Sunny:As old as I am. Teacher:How is it possible? Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

english jokes

blonde watching a TV

A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show. The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

blonde jokes

What does a lemon say

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!

dad jokes

blondes fell down

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

english jokes

romantic text message

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise

dirty jokes

Two sperms

Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, "Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?" The other answers, "Keep swimming, fool! We haven't even passed the tonsils yet!"

dirty jokes

Santa will send

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish." Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

dirty jokes

letter from this lawyer

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 😜😜😜😜

english jokes

out of money

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

blonde jokes

Ima Singin

This is Ima Singin, I am really offended by this joke. There is Sum Ting Wong with your sense of humor if you think thats funny

short jokes

babies may be delivered

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

pun jokes

A married man

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

dirty jokes

lady goes to the doctor

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

dirty jokes

An old lady

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

dirty jokes

a brunette

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

english jokes

call a Mexican basketball

What do you call a Mexican basketball player? Mexi-cant.

short jokes

blonde are walking

A brunette and blonde are walking in the park when the brunette says, "Aw, look at the dead birdie." The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

blonde jokes

whats your number

Boy: Girl, whats your number? Girl: I have a boyfriend Boy: I have a math test Girl: What? Boy: Aren't we talking about things we cheat on?

english jokes

bad news

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

stupid jokes

diarrhea

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"

dirty jokes

magic mirror

A blonde, a fat brunette, and a skinny redhead find a magic mirror. If you lie to the mirror you die. The redhead says, "I look fat," and dies. The brunette says, " I look skinny," and dies. The blonde says, "I think..." and dies.

blonde jokes

drug dealer

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

dad jokes

brunette are watching

A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show. The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

blonde jokes

grasp the concept

Q: Why can't blondes tie shoes? A: They just can't grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

blonde jokes

subtract the clothes

Q: Why is sex like math? A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

dirty jokes

blonde to laugh

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

blonde jokes

calling you

I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.

dirty jokes

garbage truck

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

dirty jokes

the newscaster

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

english jokes

25th wedding anniversary joke

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee. As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

english jokes

eight year old

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

dirty jokes

A young woman

A young woman asked her mom if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mom said, "Sure." However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mom asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied, "Nice!" The mom said, "I can tell you enjoyed them; there's still mayonnaise dripping from your face."

dirty jokes

call me a taxi

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

english jokes

white people running down

Q: What do you call white people running down a hill? A: An avalanche. Q: What do you call Mexicans running down a hill? A: A mudslide. Q: What do you call black people running down a hill? A: A jail break.

short jokes

porn magazine

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

dirty jokes

skeleton walks

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop

dad jokes

beverage

Ladies, it is amazing how you do that, with a beverage coming out of your nipple, did you know that? Guys, we can't do it. Because if we could, we'd spend the whole time squirting each other

dirty jokes

finished a jigsaw

Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

blonde jokes

paedophilia

The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

dirty jokes

blonde yells

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them. He kicks the first sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one. He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop believes it's a cat and moves on. He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"

blonde jokes

12 inches long

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

dad jokes

vacation

Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!

dad jokes

Making mirrors

Making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.

pun jokes

I love math

I love math. And then sum.

pun jokes

blonde busy

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days? A: Give her a piece of paper that has "Please turn over" written on both sides.

blonde jokes

guy was driving

A guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

english jokes

a restaurant

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

dirty jokes

Bartender

Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?” Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.” Bartender: “What did you do?” Man: “I told her to get the hell out!” Bartender: “What about your friend?” Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”

dirty jokes

Two prostitutes

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."

dirty jokes

Olympic medals

Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

short jokes

Polish Navy

Why does the Polish Navy have glass-bottomed boats? So they can see the old Polish Navy.

short jokes

blonde runs

A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

blonde jokes

Jewish kids

Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration Camp!

short jokes

a redhead

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

english jokes

first day at school

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

english jokes

May I take your order

May I take your order?" the blonde waitress asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," she replied, "we just tell them straight out that theyre going to die.

blonde jokes

A wealthy man

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

dirty jokes

kind of shady

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady

dad jokes

super hot chick

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?" "Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby." The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay." As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"

dirty jokes

child birth

From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension

dirty jokes

A man boards

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

dirty jokes

wife starts to sing

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on. 😋😋😋

english jokes

Two buddies were sharing

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

dirty jokes

A couple is trying

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, "Honey, I have great news! We're pregnant, and we're having twins!" The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, "Honey that's wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we're having twins?" She nods her head and says, "Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!"

blonde jokes

unfaithful espresso

Did you hear about the unfaithful espresso? It was grounds for divorce.

pun jokes

get a squirrel

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut

dad jokes

Student homework

Teacher- Did you do your homework? Student - Did you grade my test? Teacher - I have other students' tests to grade. Student - I have other teachers' homework to do.😎 # be LIKEA BOSS

english jokes

A guy and girl

A guy and girl had sex poem competition. Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine." Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

dirty jokes

doctor complaining

A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

dirty jokes

banana factory

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones

dad jokes

An Irishman joke

An Irishman, an Indian man, a British man, and a Scottish man are riding in a plane. The pilot shouts back, "We need to lose some weight or we'll crash!" So the Irishman throws out some beer and saying, "We got enough of that in our country." The Indian throws out some curry and says, "We got enough off that in our country." The Scottish man throws some bagpipes off and says, "We got enough of that in our country." Then the British man picks up the Indian and chucks him off the plane saying, "We got enough off them that in our country."

short jokes

A police officer

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, "Pull over!" The blonde responds, "No Silly, it's a scarf."

blonde jokes

they keep getting

Why don't pirates know the alphabet? Because they keep getting lost at C.

pun jokes

my relationship

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

dirty jokes

Filipino contortionist

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A: A Manila folder.

short jokes

making Russian tea

I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.

english jokes

trust stairs

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something

dad jokes

black guy walks into a bar

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot the bartender says cool where did u get it the parrot says Africa

short jokes

A guy and his wife

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

dirty jokes

redhead all work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey girls," says the brunette, "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!"

blonde jokes

you trust stairs

Why shouldn't you trust stairs? They're always up to something.

pun jokes

win the race

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

pun jokes

The Perfect Son joke

The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

english jokes

Santa reading newspaper

Santa reading newspaper.. News: "Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump" Santa comments: Idiot !! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!! 😁😁🤣😁

english jokes

Akbar joke

Teacher: Who was Akbar ? Boy: Akbar was Gay. Teacher:- What, Are you mad ? Why did you say that? Boy:- We have heard Laila – Majnu, Heer -Ranjha, Soni- Mahival, Romeo-Juliet But Only Akbar – Birbal !😁

teacher student jokes in english

My whole body

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?" Blonde: "My whole body."

blonde jokes

crazy wife says

A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky. The husband says, it’s reindeer.

pun jokes

Don't be racist

Don't be racist; racism is a crime; and crime is for black people.

short jokes

like a snowstorm

A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

dirty jokes

naked woman

A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can shit on him!"

dirty jokes

belt go to jail

Why did the belt go to jail? It held up a pair of pants.

pun jokes

1 million sperm

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

dirty jokes

A police officer

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

blonde jokes

man gets

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

dirty jokes

Woman naked on the bed

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

dirty jokes

teacher intruptes

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ...

english jokes

laugh on Saturday

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

blonde jokes

funny and beautiful

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!”

english jokes

baker couldn't make

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

pun jokes

get arrested

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

dirty jokes

Becoming a vegetarian

Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.

pun jokes

A little girl and boy

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

dirty jokes

wrote a song

I wrote a song about burritos. It's a rap.

pun jokes

Two police officers

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.” 😋😋😋😋

english jokes

Sleep with an open window

Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

english jokes

days are numbered

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered

dad jokes

the bread say

What did the bread say to the baker? "You knead me."

pun jokes

thief hire a maid

Why did the thief hire a maid to plan his vacation? He wanted a clean getaway.

pun jokes

really mad

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

dad jokes

Why was six nervous

Why was six nervous? Because seven eight nine.

pun jokes

receptionist

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving? A: “Thanks for coming!”

dirty jokes

tried to take a photo

I tried to take a photo of a wheat field. It turned out grainy.

pun jokes

A trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

dirty jokes

hard and dry

Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum

dirty jokes

still a virgin

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

dirty jokes

kill a blonde

How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom of a pool.

blonde jokes

brunette were thinking

A blonde, redhead, and a brunette were thinking about what they would do if they went to space. The redhead said, "I would adopt a martian." The brunette said, "I would give Pluto some steroids." The Blonde said, "I would go to the sun." The redhead replied, "But you would burn up and die." The blonde responded, "Not if I went at night."

blonde jokes

Stop jumping joke

How do you get the little black kids to stop jumping on the bed? Put Velcro on the ceiling. How do you get them down? Tell the Mexican kids it's a piñata.😋

short jokes

have soft sex

Q: Why do bunnies have soft sex? A: They have cotton balls.

dirty jokes

The Middle Ages

The Middle Ages were called the Dark Ages because there were too many knights.

pun jokes

Long fairy tales

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

pun jokes

black man is lost

A black man is lost in the forest. A hunter finds him and says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you ax me a tree?" The black man says, "No, but I can ax you a question?"

short jokes

married for 30 years

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

dirty jokes

hanging onto a rope

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

blonde jokes

Nobody ever listens

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

english jokes

interview joke funny

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.

short jokes

2 Swimming Pools

Banta built 2 Swimming Pools. And he left one of them unfilled y? When asked him, he said, “Oye, that’s for those who don’t know Swimming.”

english jokes

had a dream

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea

dad jokes

English teacher

I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon

dirty jokes

more letters

What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!

dad jokes

husband so punctual

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?" Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

dirty jokes

evil hens

What do evil hens lay? Deviled eggs.

pun jokes

Why should you stay

Why should you stay away from artists? They're sketchy.

pun jokes

buttoning my shirt

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee

dirty jokes

Why should you wear

Why should you wear glasses when doing math? They improve division.

pun jokes

girl realized

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

dirty jokes

good at sleeping

"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

dad jokes

tried to catch

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist

dad jokes

Little Johnny's classmate

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

dirty jokes

IDK Blonde

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!

blonde jokes

Mexican Astronauts

You know why we don't have Mexican Astronauts? It's because the countdown goes like this, "10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Launch! Lonch!?!? Vamos a comer..."

short jokes

An old couple

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

dirty jokes

broken rubber

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

dirty jokes

hanging onto a rope

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

english jokes

fucking racist

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you fucking racist.

short jokes

Give it to me

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

dirty jokes

standing on a cliff

A group of Cro-Magnons are standing on a cliff, looking a group of Neanderthals and say,"How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?" The answer is none they don't have it yet.

short jokes

walks into a shoe

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk. “Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

blonde jokes

preparing wedding cards

Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers. Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly pointed out that the "RSVP " was missing . The printer was surprised by Jeeto's knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant. Jeeto started to think and after much thought he replied, 'Vait! I remember. I remember - RSVP. It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present."'

english jokes

bloody perfect

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time

dirty jokes

bride tells her husband

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

dirty jokes

blonde really got tired

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

blonde jokes

couldn't the blonde

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

blonde jokes

a black girl

Q: How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? A: When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked.

short jokes

blondes fell down

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

blonde jokes

afraid of speed

I'm afraid of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

pun jokes

sophisticated dinner party

I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next

dirty jokes

a mouthful

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

dirty jokes

Glasgow

Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips

dirty jokes

cross a Puerto

Q:What do you have when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Pollack? A: A graffiti artist who spray paints on chain linked fences.

short jokes

blonde tip

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

blonde jokes

Cool accent

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

english jokes

a taser once

I had a taser once. It was stunning.

pun jokes

iPad in a blender

Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.

english jokes

I want to be cremated

I want to be cremated as it is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

pun jokes

neighbor's house

A blonde's neighbor's house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, "My neighbor's house is on fire!" The operator asked, "Where are you?" The blonde answered, "At my house." The operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?" The blonde said, "In a firetruck, duh!"

blonde jokes

elderly couple

There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”

dirty jokes

kangaroo jump higher

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? - Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

english jokes

A blonde wanting

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

blonde jokes

2 plus 2 pappu joke

Teacher: What is 2 plus 2 Pappu: 4 Teacher: That’s good. Pappu: Good ? That’s perfect !

english jokes

may I disturb

At work: Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly? - Of course, what is it? - Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.

stupid jokes

unfaithful espresso

Did you hear about the unfaithful espresso? It was grounds for divorce.

pun jokes

wife and daughter

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

dirty jokes

Forrest Gump’s

What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1

pun jokes

Three blondes walk

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

blonde jokes

husband after a day

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

dirty jokes

Christmas is your right

If Thanksgiving is your left leg and Christmas is your right leg, can I visit between the holidays?

dirty jokes

a black man joke

There is a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man on a plane that is too heavy to fly and they are about to crash. They each have to throw something off the plane to save them from crashing. The black man throws out his Jordan shoes and says, "We have too many in our country.” The Mexican tosses out his lawn mower and says, "We have too many in our country.” The white man puts his item down, grabs the Mexican, throws him out the window and says, "We have too many in our country.

short jokes

doctor's office

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

blonde jokes

smells like worms

What is transparent and smells like worms? - A bird's fart :-)

stupid jokes

having a hard

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

dirty jokes

Waking up this

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

pun jokes

the economy class

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

blonde jokes

how many times

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day. Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy? Man: No, I’m a barber.

stupid jokes

should do lunges

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward

dad jokes

an extra pair

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one

dad jokes

a shotgun

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped." Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped." The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."

blonde jokes

hate facial hair

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

pun jokes

robber sticks

A robber sticks his gun in a Scotsman's ribs and demands, "Your money or your life!" When after a moment there is no answer, he repeats his demand, "Your money or your life!" to which the Scotsman replies, "I'm thinking it over!"

short jokes

cunnilingus

When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud

dirty jokes

Google male or female

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

english jokes

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